First Myofascial Release Session

 Today I went to a myofascial release therapist, because word on the massage school block is that this technique is known for facilitating emotional releases. The emotional release is not a guaranteed, but don't be surprised if you get one was my understanding. I went in because with my sprained ankle, perhaps what has been bothering me more is the flare-up up of achiness in my hip, or as I described it to the massage therapist, "aggravation". If aggravation has an energy, I would describe the pain in my hip as feeling at least 50% aggravation. The hip stuff baffles me because I've had psychic mediums comment on my hip and physical therapists comment on my hip, but I've never really had time enough with either expert in their field to get to low-down on this hip, and I get the impression that both experts would only give me part of the story anyway. It clearly has an emotional component and it also clearly has a physical component. 

What I wonder after I have these emotional release experiences is whether this is indeed a cathartic "release" process or is this just reliving some kind of trauma, that comes out like a genie in a bottle, only to be ushered back into the bottle once the show is over. Because if I've released the emotion, why is it still here? Is there just this large stockpile of emotional woundedness that gets whittled away with every inexplicable sob sesh? Or is it ever renewing? Coming back only stronger? Idk. 

What happened today was interesting and beautiful, odd, and highly emotional. 

I went into the Myofascial release session today and met my massage therapist for the first time, Tom. Shorter than me with a voice like Jon Kabat-Zin. He politely asked me about my hip. I politely answered him about my hip. He had me stand up to see if I was lopsided anywhere. Not very lopsided at all was the assessment. He had me lay on the table. He touched my feet, my legs, my psoas, doing something with the fascia that I'm not familiar with yet. He prodded around like a curious bodyworker, with no instant eurekas, gathering information rather. He made his way to the base of my skull, a lot of cranial nerves there, and a place to work with the "dural tube" he told me, which was a term I couldn't quite remember from anatomy, and even after googling it right now, I couldn't define it with confidence, something to do with the fluid around the spinal cord... Anywho, he began a rocking there at the base of my skull and neck. A gentle rhythm, and soon enough I could feel my throat close just a little, and then my eyes started to feel wet, the wetness leaked out in 1 or 2 tears, and then more tears, and then labored breathing, and then a child-like moaning and weeping gradually ascended. This was freshly reminiscent of an induced sob sesh at a therapy appointment a few weeks ago. So I wasn't exactly unfamiliar with this emotional state. I just tried to allow it and on some level let adult Athena be present in the moment, focusing when I could. between the guttural sobs, on taking a breath. Tom kept his hands on my head and neck. I couldn't tell you what he was doing, maybe trying to keep the pulsing rhythm he had started with. I couldn't tell you what exactly he was doing, except that I could feel he was maintaining contact. He spoke as well. I can't remember the specifics, but they were calm and reassuring statements, something like "I'm not going anywhere." "This is a safe place." "It's okay to let it out." "You're doing a great job." "You'll only come out of this stronger." He said something about the little girl that I guess he could hear in my whimpering. When he said something like "you're here." That sobbing part of me replied "No. I don't want to be here. No. God, no. I don't want to be here" over and over until subsiding not much later. Because this release was very similar to what happened in my last therapy session, I was much more prepared to allow this emotion to come through with less judging than before. Eventually, I wiped some of the wetness off my face and slowly sat up and drank some water. Tom, although very good at staying absolutely calm I think could not tell just exactly what had happened internally in me. I could tell he wasn't sure if I was "okay," he offered to end the session early and asked if I felt like I needed to get off the table. I didn't answer right away and sipped my water. I asked him for a hug, he kindly provided that hug and I resumed a prone position, able to stay engaged with some conversation about gluteal muscles and asking where he'd taken his seminars in myofascial technique. He showed me a few stretches and some trigger point self-release techniques that I was already familiar with. We discussed payment, went through the motions, and said goodbye. 

I don't know if I would say I left feeling any lighter, or even heavier, but perhaps I did leave feeling different. Something had happened, an unnoticeable change perhaps, a slight shift in my presence. 

I resumed normal mundane waking consciousness, driving to a shop to get my phone fixed. As I settled down again, part of me took the time to point out that something unusual did happen, and I might want to record it, sit with it, allow it to download. 

I don't feel the need to analyze it just yet, except to maybe observe that the "I don't want to be here" statement came from the younger Athena who felt trapped in her circumstances. And perhaps I'll take a moment to honor her. Perhaps I can let her know that I literally feel for her. I can say thank you to her for doing everything she did to survive and come through with a generous and alive spirit. And I'll do my best to make this body a safe place for her to speak up when she needs to. I want her to know I am here for her. I am so thankful for all the willpower and self-assuredness she had when she did say "no," she knew what wasn't okay, and she had a need that was not met. Any anger there is understandable, and I intend to prove that I will be trustworthy ally, validating her pain and collaborating a way to a better future.