Words

There are people who seem wise because they have something to say about everything. 
and there are the people who seem wise because they say nothing and sit there nodding or grinning enigmatically. 

Falling in the middle of these two archetypes, I speak just enough to make noise, and not enough to generate conversation, comfort someone at the right time, or propel my own thoughts. 

Whether it's philosophy, small talk, or Q&A after a panel I'm sometimes feel at a loss for coherent, appropriate, and topic or person attuned dialogue. 

Today I made a beautiful mistake in class that reminded me of why I should be cautious about opening my mouth. In terms of my favorite metaphor, the swinging pendulum, that also tracks the elusive LOST island, I've swung from gabber-mouthed childhood and adolescent expressiveness when I barely processed the words in my mind let alone paid attention to them as they verbally slipped out or how they were received to my current lack of processing but heightened self-conscious young adulthood. Today I ventured to speak because sometimes I'm compelled out of habit to fill silence for the sake of it. Still waters are just too suspiciously peaceful or really my pseudo-profound comments make more of bang when my audience members' palettes are prepped and cleansed with a dramatic pause. 

Sign 1 that my class participation was not going well: struggling to recall an anonymous quote. How can I convey the utterly failed pretentiousness?  

Sign 2: no reference to my comment after I made it. Although most student mini-monologues are dropped into the well of discussion, only to be laboriously drawn out by the professor if at all.

Sign 3: falling prey to the temporary delusion that what I had to say was relevant and insightful.

I once read on a scrap of paper taped to a nun's desk something like "the hardest of languages to learn is the language of silence," which was too bad because this nun was the lifeline connecting me to sanity via human verbal interaction (goat verbal interaction was another thread). What I'm trying to say is this is a woman whose voice I depended on. In my opinion she could never talk too much. I could've listened to her for hours. Maybe I should have that quote tattooed onto my arm as a reminder, but not her.

A priest once gave a sermon of St. Francis' advice to "Preach the gospel. Sometimes use words." The quote implies the importance of actions. The priest however emphasized that the point is not to discredit words. Words have their purpose, just because they're not always used well, does not mean we (I mean I, I'm totally giving myself a pep talk in case you didn't notice) should not give up on them.

There is a time and a place for words. The more you use them, perhaps the more likely you'll hit the mark.

Desires. We Have Them: a college bucket list

I took notes on a friend's extensive and fearless college bucket list. Here's my first draft. I may or may not actually do all of them or even try, but I'm glad to have them typed.

1. get lunch with a professor 
or tea because I'm not sure how comfortable I am eating in front of a professor . . . or drinking either, but this is about stepping out of my comfort zone 

2. bake something that would go well with a glass of milk and share it 

3. plant a plot on the farm
possibly garlic with Janice

4. go on a ride with the cycling club
this may require some prior training

5. take a percussion instrument lesson
not piano. bongos or cajon 

He has 100 . . . That makes me want to get up to at least 10. 

6. write with confidence

7. hand in an essay that I'm in love with

8. start a project outside of class
something entrepreneurial? community-oriented? research?

9. read with confidence
slow when I want to. fast when I want to.

10. host a collage/card making party
that means magazines, glue, jazz, and hummus

11. more headstands
handstands too eventually! 

13. acrobatic yoga? aerial silks? yes and yes.

14. feel my pancreas 
the epitome of inner body awareness as far as I've heard

15. find my perfect haircut
or at least favorite. this may involve a different shampoo

16. expand my postcard-worthy photo collection

17. learn more about herbs and spices

18. volunteer every semester

19. throw a cotton candy and kale chips party 

to be continued