31: day 16-18

31 days of gratitude. Days 16-18.

Heads up: ... Hormones, Bodies, & Brains.
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Life is crazy sometimes. Or at the very least my perception and experience of it certainly is. I strongly identify as a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person, a term made popular by Dr. Elaine Aron). Alongside this aspect of myself, I've come to accept that I am especially sensitive to hormone fluctuations. However, it is one thing to have a basic understanding and expectation that I will, on a somewhat regular basis, be hijacked by fatigue, mood swings, irritability, and extreme depression. It is another to live though these bouts.

I can say this, I have survived so far. I am so grateful for the moments of clarity that come between these episodes. Moments of clarity where I can take a kind and caring perspective on my struggles, and do my best to take care of myself by maintaining the routine of going to work, exercising, eating well, sleeping consistently, spending time with friends, practicing mindfulness, and taking my medications. It's easy to do these things for myself when I have the physical/emotional/mental capacity to carry out these activities and enjoy them. It is very challenging to accomplish basic self-care when my body seems convinced it is on death's doorstep. No matter how many times I emerge from these valleys and again reach my peak, it can feel like there is no escaping that eventual plunge back into my personal hades. When I arrive in those moments, the moments when it feels like there is no guarantee that I will surface again, it is so hard to do anything but hold on. I wish in those moments that I could have some certainty, some promise, that I'll be okay... But who am I to know the future? I can truly only hope that this time like all the times before I will make it through to the other side... What I have done is try to surround myself with reminders of that obscured light. I write affirmations and inspiring quotes on post it notes. In the in-between periods I set intentions, say my prayers, and live by my values as best I can. I burn incense and put crystals on my supine body. None of these rituals are silver bullets.

I am grateful for moments of clarity. I am grateful for the friends who support me through my journey. I am grateful for the trust that emerges, the trust in the unfolding, trust in possibility. When I start to catastrophize in my mind about all the possible terrible things that could happen, I try to remember that those scenarios are just that, possibilities. And if there is a possibility of _________(every terrible thing my brain can imagine) then there is at least an equal possibility that everything will be amazing. And beyond possibility, there is a high probability that it will be a mix of both, the terrible and the amazing...